How to Have Sex With Yourself

woman in white tank top holding white plastic toy

Learning to masturbate is not only fun and healthy, it can also teach you how to get yourself off so that sex with partners feels even more amazing.

Try a few aphrodisiacs, turn up your music and play with a new dildo (we don’t judge). We’re fans of nipple clamps that vibrate and phallic sex toys with ridges, bulges and angled G-spot heads.

1. Know Your Body

Taking care of yourself and learning about your body can help you feel more confident about your sexual pleasure. Practicing mindfulness and self-care can also help you stay more present during sex.

This includes noticing what parts of your body feel good and arousing, like your hands, buttocks and pelvic floor. And don’t forget about your clitoris! You can start by rubbing it, and gradually build up to more intense sensations. Try using different pressures to see which ones give you orgasm, and remember to mix things up – we all respond differently to stimulation.

You can also stimulate your nipples, breasts and vagina with a variety of implements — from nipple clamps (some that vibrate) to dildos in ridged, bulgey and angled shapes and sizes. Just be sure to use body-safe, realistic silicone formulas or body-safe hard sex toys.

2. Know Your Mood

It might not feel like it when you see couples in movies or books romping into bed, but the truth is that sometimes sex takes time to get into the groove. And that’s okay. If you find that it’s difficult to even get turned on, it could be a sign of an underlying condition and you should talk to a doctor about it.

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It’s also important to remember that sex is more than just physical—it’s about connecting in a heady, sexual space with your partner and having mind-blowing orgasms. So instead of focusing on getting to the bedroom as soon as possible, try some other sensual activities to fire up your libido.

For example, sex experts recommend doing things like taking hot showers, dancing to your favorite songs, trying out a new lingerie set, and even touching your own body—which can trigger an arousal response. Plus, try adding in some foreplay before ramping up to sex. For example, kissing each other passionately and giving each other oral sex can help ignite your imagination and stimulate arousal.

3. Know What Turns You On

Obviously, knowing what turns you on is essential for your sexual pleasure. Whether you love to massage your clit or enjoy having someone else penetrate you, it’s important that you know what you like.

If you don’t know what turns you on, try reading or watching erotic scenes to see what really flips your switch. There are many themes that arouse people: power, danger, romance, submission and more. Once you figure out what arouses you, you can begin to play with the idea of self-pleasure.

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While fingering is the most common form of masturbation, don’t be afraid to get creative with your explorations of erogenous zones. Touching your nipples, anus, neck area and even the insides of your thighs can be pleasurable for some people. It’s also fun to explore sexual fantasies like voyeurism or having sex in front of others (both can be experienced alone during solo sex). Having a better understanding of what makes you tick will help you communicate your pleasure preferences when engaging with a partner during partnered sex. That’s a win-win!

4. Know Your Boundaries

It’s important to understand your sexual boundaries, and to communicate them clearly. When someone knows where you draw the line, they won’t try to push you past it – whether unknowingly or knowingly.

For example, maybe there is a specific physical act that turns you on or that you are comfortable with (for instance, fingering). If you find yourself getting turned on by this specific action while having sex with your partner, it might be time to talk about how you want to approach the bedroom in order to ensure you’re both on the same page.

You may also need to talk about some of the settings, situations, touches and kisses that are off limits. Having these conversations early on is an empowering step toward purity and will make it easier to walk this path together. You’ll also need to identify and anticipate your triggers, as this will help you prevent backsliding. For example, some people are more triggered by visual cues than others are. Learn more about identifying and addressing sexual triggers here.

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5. Know Yourself

Your sexual self is a huge part of who you are. It’s important to explore and understand it.

When we don’t know ourselves and how our bodies and minds respond to pleasure -we’re stuck in old patterns that limit us. Knowing what turns you on and off can help you communicate your needs to a partner, and make it easier for them to meet them.

Masturbation (sex with yourself) is a great way to learn how to arouse and turn on yourself. It’s also a great way to practice touching your body in a sexual way – so you feel more confident when you’re doing it with someone else.

Taking time to touch yourself and re-discover what pleasure feels like is so healing. It gives you a sense of confidence and self-love. And it may help you find new ways to explore pleasure with your partner if you’re open to that. Just remember to always use a vibrator and keep your genitals clean. Using your fingers to gently stimulate the clitoris and putting sex toys in your vagina helps release hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, and prolactin – which are all happy hormones that help reduce stress and improve mood.

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